It's the Most Depressing Time of the Year

Christmas just a few days away leaves me, to be completely honest, lonely and kinda empty inside.  It has been 10 years since my dad died.  It never gets easier.  I suppose you learn how to deal with the emotions better as the years go on, but it never gets easier.  You never get over it, and the pain never really goes away.  I always think of what dad would say to my kids?  Would they have called him Papa or Grandpa?  Would he have sat in his pajamas all day and played with the kids and they're new toys?  What would he have given them for Christmas?  What would he tell them about Santa?  What stories would he have shared?  The questions and wondering's are endless.  They never go away.  What does go away, is that my memories are fading.  His smell, his laugh, the sound of his voice are all fading.  I find it hard to recall the little things about my dad that I still hold so dear. 

I try to do my best and focus on the happy things, my children and their excitement for instance.  But it's always there in the back of head.  It never leaves, the pain and the missing him, never leaves.  Everyone always says "It's the most wonderful time of the year", but to me, it is the hardest time of the year.

Until next time...